Let me just start off by saying I wasn't surprised at this diagnosis, not even a little bit. I had been expecting it, researching everything I could on it, for days that turned into weeks that quickly turned into months as I continued to be grossly bedfast, dealing with pain in my pelvis, back, and then quickly worsening and spreading to my entire body, bleeding, nausea, vomiting, passing out, and those were some of the good days- the days that didn't involve trips to the dr or to ER to try to figure out what my body was fighting so fervently.
Endo was the obvious answer, although it didn't necessarily explain all of the symptoms, but a plan to try to tame the monster that is my uterus seemed like the best way forward in an otherwise very muddy patch. welcome lupron, and menopause and still feeling endo pain because of all of the scar tissue and cysts and endometriosis lesions. like small blisters, open and bleeding all over the inside of a womens pelvis, her bladder, her bowels.
Now my hot flashes are mostly under control, the night sweats diminished, but the insomnia ever present- making normal thoughts and tasks nearly impossible to accomplish because my brain feels like jello. The brain fog of having not 1 but now 2 chronic illnesses that cause fatigue can be completely crippling as well. I feel like I can hardly form complex thoughts, let alone retain them for any period of time, or be trusted with judgement calls. I am on so many different medications I wouldn't trust my brain anywhere right now.
I guess it's time that I actually talk about my diagnosis. My new diagnosis. It feels both like something has been lifted off of my chest and that there is something new pushing it down harder than before. Lots of people say that having the diagnosis helps so much. I would tend to agree, but only about 75%. There is still that feeling of the mountain doubling in size, or the cartoon piano falling on your head just to knock you out again. Sure, I have a treatment plan now, but yesterday, I only had one chronic illness. I only had one thing that I would fairly certainly battle for the rest of my life. Yesterday, there was still a chance that this was all something different, something easy to fix, something curable, something that wouldn't make my life another degree more challenging, something that wouldn't continue to keep me from the job I love or from seeing friends. So yeah, having a diagnosis can be great, but it can also feel like the hardest thing in the world.
and with fibro, I really feel like I'm walking into a brick wall, that, no matter what direction I turn, it always finds me and I always end up injured, in pain and wondering how the hell I got there. That's pretty much how I feel constantly these days....how did I get here?...how is it possible that 4 months ago I was working 12 hour shifts and volunteering in between....and now if I manage to shower or make it out of the house I'm happy with my accomplishments for the day. Honestly. even if I get out of bed and manage to make myself a smoothie. It's crazy how things change. Things you never thought would be taken away from you, but in a way that they are still so visible, almost like they are within your reach. but they're just far enough away, or now they require the help of another person to accomplish. Good thing I'm not independent minded or stubborn at all.
Since my doctors appointment on wednesday I have been trying to look outside at the beautifully coloured red, orange and yellow leaves- and i've been trying to remind myself that nothing is permanent, even an incurable illness, in a weird way. Because how horrible I feel everyday right now is not going to be forever. Some days I believe it more than others.
I don't really know what else to write. This post has been sitting on my laptop, partially finished, for days. The thoughts are pretty jumbled, but I think thats akin to what is going on in my brain right now.
Thanks for reading,
xoxo
Emilie
