So it's been a while since I last wrote anything. Over 2 months actually. There are a lot of reasons for this, but really it's been such a difficult summer, mentally and physically, and I really didn't know how to talk about it. Even writing this now I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It's not all bad though. There is some happiness in those tears. Anger too. Frustration. Exhaustion, both mentally and physically. But today, I want to focus on the happy.
Surgery! It might seem like a silly thing to be happy about, but believe me, I am. I actually cried from relief when my new endo specialist told me that she was going to operate, and that it would be soon. I had this appointment on September 5th, and my surgery is September 26th. Like my doctor said, soon! There was a resident working with her when I had my appointment, and she is fairly new in that department, so we talked a lot. It was great. I think I scared her a little when I began to cry, but my doctor just laughed happily and looked at her resident and said "She's not crying because I said or did something wrong, she is crying from relief". It was perfectly explained. And so wonderful to have a medical professional get it. So, happy happy over here.
Scared maybe a little too. It's an easy surgery. I'll be done in less than an hour. Can go home a few hours later. Recovery in less than 10 days. Laparoscopic surgery is great. I'll have 4-5 small incisions ( adding to the ones I had last time, i'll be at a count of 8 small ( 1 inch) scars on my abdomen.) Scars are an interesting thing. I used to hate mine, both from my first endo surgery and from my back surgery. I felt they represented weakness. Failure on the part of my body. I realized recently that they represent strength, experience, suffering and powering through. I wear them proudly now. Just as I feel I am learning how to wear this disease. With happiness? definitely not. But pride is there. Writing this blog and talking about it more openly has been huge for me.
Just a warning that this part might get a little graphic and detailed for those that are not medical professionals. Endo is a lot of things. There are studies to suggest that the 4 stages of endometriosis and their varying effects on your life and overall health can be directly compared to the 4 stages of cancer. I'm at stage 2.
I take about 30 pills everyday. Not all of them are prescription, but some are. Of the ones that are prescription drugs, all have the same 2 annoying side effects. Weight gain and acne. Well great. As if I wasn't already feeling self conscious in different ways about my body, the 2 most visible things are negatively impacted as well. Thanks. I also have to do weekly b12 injections. Those, coupled with my 2xday iron pills, and drinking lots of water and eating healthy, ensure that I stay relatively healthy and stable despite my daily blood loss.
That's the other recent fun thing. I have been bleeding continuously since August 20th. And with endo, any external bleeding means there is some internal bleeding as well, which is what the spread of endo is. Also great. I mean, who doesn't love month long periods? Oh and the crazy hormones are fun too.
Moving past what is currently happening, I'm trying to look ahead and focus on the surgery. Like I said earlier, it's laparoscopic surgery, so just a few small incisions. Basically they will go in and cut out any damaged or "bad" tissue that they can, and on areas like my bladder, bowel and ovaries, they will burn and scrape off as much as they can. In the areas they can cut out, the chance of regrowth is about 10%. In the areas they burn off it is about 70%, and then of course there is the likelihood of growth on any other reproductive organs, as well as further spread into my abdominal organs. But the last time I had this surgery I had just over 2 years of relief. And right now, the thought of even one day of relief is amazing, I can't even say how much 2 years of relief would mean.
So yes, emotions are mixed, and running rampant. Like I said, hormones are fun. I can't tell you how many times I have cried at stupid things on the internet or in movies lately. And I'm really not a movie crier. Ever.
But today I choose to focus on the happy. I've even started making plans of activities, parties, travel! for after surgery. I almost feel as if life begins again in a couple of weeks. And I couldn't be more ready.
