March was Endometriosis awareness month. I had everything prepared to write a post about how things had been going ( fairly smoothly, with only a couple of minor bumps), and then I went skiing with my dad and fell, breaking my right ( dominant) wrist in both bones. That set back my typing a fair time. And the story has changed drastically since then.
So, Please consider this my Endometriosis Awareness Month Post.
Disclosure: some details are graphic for some people, please read to your own comfort. this post is not intended to cause discomfort but simply awareness and the spread of knowledge.
My last endo surgery was September 26, 2016. I'll remember that day forever, just as I'll remember the date of my first surgery ( June 3, 2013) and the date of my confirmed diagnosis ( June 4, 2013). It's less than 6 months later and this is the second time I've had long lasting ( >10 days) of heavy bleeding. In the simplest of terms, this also means that there is internal bleeding, inflammation and "bad tissue" growth occurring, and I'm not sure where. Endo fact: this tissue can grow ANYWHERE in the abdominal cavity, not only on reproductive organs. Based on my symptoms and times of pain I think I have some on my bladder, but only tests and surgery will confirm.
I was prepared to go through surgery again. The pain that leads up to it as well. But not this soon. And definitely not when I'd be doing everything right for my body ( whole30, no alcohol x2 months, back to everyday exercise, turmeric tea every morning for inflammation)...I was on a roll! and then I hit a road block. and I slammed right into it.
I've gone through the whole spectrum of emotions on this one since the beginning of April when the pain and bleeding started again. Denial didn't last long. Hard to deny it when you physically have blood coming out of your body and pain that causes you to crumble. Anger. That was easy. Hate for my own body came with this. Thoughts of relief including those of ripping out my entire reproductive system have passed through my mind more than once. I suppose I might always be at a stage of bargaining with this illness. Trying to get as much out of my own life and my reproductive life as possible. In Canada, it costs on average $4000-$5000 to freeze eggs. I've set up an account and am saving towards this. I refuse to be anything but cautious and proactive about my dreams, despite my endo. Then there were the depressed weeks. The bleeding had actually stopped, externally. But with endo, when there is external bleeding, there is going to be new "bad tissue" growth and bleeding internally than can persist and leave inflammation for weeks-months after any external symptoms. I stayed in bed most of the time. Ate poorly. Felt poorly. It sucked. and I wanted to make that cycle stop. So I went to stay with my parents for a few days and knew that my mum would force me to get outside for walks every day, eat good nutritious food, and just be around people. It was exactly what I needed to get to acceptance, where I'm at now. I'm resigned to the fact that endo is back in full strength, but I'm also comfortable with my own strength to take it on, and in my support network.
I guess since this is an awareness post I want my resounding message to be that chronic illness effects people in visible and invisible ways everyday. Often, people living with chronic pain display the least "visible symptoms" of persons in physical pain, due in part because this becomes their normal. Show love, always. We never know whats happening inside.
Thank you for reading <3
Em
