I shared a secret with someone tonight. It was hard to admit, to share, to say out loud. I don't know if there is anything else I have kept to myself like this. It's my greatest fear, my deepest worry, and the thing that is most often the cause of tears that I shed. Want to know what it is? I bet you can guess, I wouldn't be surprised at all. It's the H word, all capitals, too real and yet not real yet at all. My greatest fear for the last 3 months is that even after putting my 27 year old body through menopause and back that I am still going to need a hysterectomy. and with that fear comes the fear of losing so many of my dreams.
Most days I try and manage to stay positive, picture a future where the med does work, and I get to keep ( at least for the time being) all of my organs in their proper place. and I do picture it. but its not easy, picturing a life day after day that you feel you should actually be preparing yourself to live differently. Different isn't necessarily bad, I know I'm not without options no matter what organs live in my body or not, but giving up on dreams is. It's bad, it's hard, it's sad, angering, full on ugly cry inducing, and frankly, the whole situation sucks. Yes, I know I sound like a bratty kid saying that, however I feel strongly that for all of the pain, both physical and mental, that I have had for the last 3 months ( not to mention the 14 years of pain due to endometriosis) earns me a freebie on that front.
Now here is the part of the blog post where I should talk about turning it all around, taking charge of my health, focusing on making new dreams instead of on the ones that I have to put away. While that is all true, and all of those are things that I do on a daily basis, I don't want to diminish the fear or the feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger and depression that accompany me everywhere.
Honestly I don't want to worry about not leaving this post on a positive note for the sake of the readers. I love and appreciated every single person that takes the time to read, but I won't change my story to make things happier, better or more comfortable for someone.
The whole point of this post was for me to try to express a deep rooted fear and source of stress in my life. I'm not going to lie and say that there is any part of this that is pleasant. The opposite instead really. Each small stride I make towards improvement seems to be followed by an even larger push backwards. How can I help but expect the same of lupron?
I know I will make new dreams, find ways to live a full life despite my limitations, and I even think I may be pain free one day. But that is not the case today. Might be tomorrow, but in my experience, the "better tomorrow" doesn't exist for me yet. Maybe one day. But today I am scared. and I am sad. and tomorrow I will be too.
Thank you for reading friends.
xo Emilie
