I woke up this morning and rolled over to see sunshine streaming through the window, beginning to warm my feet in their position at the end of the bed. It was peaceful and simple, and I smiled for just a second, because that is how long it took for me to feel the pain, and with it came flooding the thousands of thoughts of anxiety, fear, anger, sadness. I've come to learn that those thoughts are part and parcel of everyday life with endometriosis. and thats ok, as long as the other physical symptoms can be managed. I remember saying to someone recently that it would all be ok and quite possible to manage if all of the symptoms didn't happen in conjunction with one another. But when there is bleeding, pain, bloating, nausea, vomiting, fatigue and general malaise together almost all the time, well that just becomes too much and our brains tend to shut down as a coping mechanism. I can't tell you how much my brain feels like a sieve lately.
This morning was a bit different though. It held with it a hope of new treatments, plans, and general optimism. Today was a day when I finally got to see my specialist. And it was a good appointment. My mum came with me. I don't think i'll ever get tired of that. The sheer demonstration of support that this action shows is huge, let alone the actual love and support that comes with it.
So when my dr came into the room we chatted for a few minutes. She sat down at the computer and edged her chair right up close to the desk and close to mine, so our knees were touching, and so she could take my hand when she felt I was scared. and I'm terrified. but she gets it. and I am so thankful for that. When she asked me to go to the bathroom to empty my bladder so they could do a good transvaginal ultrasound I heard her and my mum talking as I left the room. My doctor was the first to say " the way she is right now is not okay, and I am going to make it my personal goal to get her back to a good functional level. This doesn't have to be her life and I'm here to help." I almost cried on the spot hearing her say that to my mum. Having her acknowledge it at all is a huge victory.
As lovely as hearing that was, it unfortunately didn't take away any of the discomfort of the actual procedure, or the fact that my doctor was finally saying it was time to do lupron injections, as there wasn't really anything else to try.
This means 1 injection a month for at least 6 months, possibly longer if it is successful, but that comes with a lot of risks too. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this medication comes with a long long list of side effects, but often those side effects are manageable by add-backs ( a term used to explain the addition of controlled hormone quantities once lupron is in full effect) lupron effects the pituitary gland suppressing all female reproductive hormones and sending the body into a state that imitates menopause. this is reversible when the medication is stopped. so it is a bit of a wait and see time right now. and a waiting game to see which of the symptoms of menopause I will experience on this med. So far night sweats and hot flashes are here. There is no part of this that is pleasant or ok.
I never imagined that the week of my 27th birthday would also coincide with my commencing menopause, or at least my first time going through it. there is a small risk with this medication that I will never reverse my menopause and that is terrifying. there is also the risk that it could work incredible well, making the conversation of a hysterectomy that much more real and possible. I would do just about anything now though to feel better, to return to living. There have been so many times in this week that I have erupted into a stream of uncontrollable tears because sometimes it just feels like too much. Other times I feel lucky and hopeful about the care and love I have. The reality lies somewhere in between, because the reality still involves random outbursts of tears. this is never the life I imagined for myself, but I will continue to push and fight to keep as much of the light I want and dream for alive.
Last week I found an article written by an endo sister that really perfectly summed up what it feels like to have this experience before being ready for it. I shared this article with my family and a few friends to help them understand. the response was incredible, so I'll share it here too as I still think she says it better than I do.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/lucypasharobinson/menopause-at-25?utm_term=.se4Rxm1DO#.pn48R1BzQ
Granted I am a couple of years older than this girl, but the feelings are similar. I feel that she expressed a lot of things that I don't even know how to yet, I'm still working on processing.
Thank you friends for reading and for your continued support. Please send any extra good vibes you have my way, hoping to return to work next week and need all the strength I can muster for that.
xo
Emilie
