So surgery was about a week ago. well, not quite. It was Monday at 3:45pm, and now it's Friday evening.
Going under anaesthetic pre surgery is one of the most brilliant feelings. Often the preceding hours/days/months are filled with some amount of fear and anxiety, but when you get asked to start counting back from 10, and you only remember barely reaching 8, and then it's all gone: the pain, the fear, the stress, the depression, the anxiety about what could go wrong. It's blissful. I don't really know how else to describe it. You're left there, lying on a very stiff table, covered by warming blankets, and surrounded by nurses and doctors who are smiling at you, and even, sometimes, holding your hand until you drift off.
The experience of this surgery was like night and day compared to the last one that I had to help with my endometriosis. Maybe because I'm actually a full fledged nurse now. Or maybe because I was so much more honest about my fears with my nurses and doctors. And more likely than anything it was because I finally found a doctor who listened to me, and felt WITH me. I think I'll remember her exact words during our first appointment exactly. She trusted me. She knew my body. She believed me. And she wasn't going to let me continue to live the half life that I had been living for months. When I started to cry during the appointment, her Resident looked surprise, but even before I could catch my breath to explain, she told her that the tears were not of sadness, or because something had gone wrong, but tears of relief. Tears of being listened to. Taken seriously. Understood when I explained that at the moment I was barely living. She just knew. She got me.
So now it's 4 days later. Strangely enough, waking up from surgery with that pain was easier than the pain I experienced for months prior. Seems crazy. To have the pain of having your body cut into in 4 different places be less than the pain of your illness. But it was. And I worked so hard to stay awake right away after surgery because I was afraid that if I let myself sleep again right away that pain relief would all go away. I talked to my doctor. I talked to my nurse. I talked to myself or anyone around just to stay awake. But it wasn't hard.
Everything felt easy after meeting my doctor post op. She smiled this huge, beautiful smile at me, and explained that they were able to remove all of my "bad" tissue for now. It came out cleanly. I would likely have pain relief for a few years, at least, And my "baby makers" were clean. Totally. Completely. Beautiful Organs. I even got to see pictures. Like I said, she just got me, and knew what was important to me, and what scared me most.
So I'm getting back to "energizer bunny" status as my family calls it. I just call it getting back to me. I love the things I do again, I feel inspired to cook, craft, jog, hike, etc etc. I don't really know how to accurately describe that feeling of relief you get from all of a sudden being pain free. I feel like my life just renewed itself.
So I know I should be staying positive. And 98% of the time I am. But the rest of me know that endo can and likely will regrow, if not in the same place as before, it will find somewhere else to call home. But I don't care.
I love every moment of every day I have right now that is free from pain and constant stress about what might be happening inside my body that I don't see or really understand.
But until then, I'll raise a glass ( preferably of some really fricking awesome champagne) to my family, my friends, my doctors, my nurses, and selfishly, myself. I got through this one. This second surgery in what might be a lifetime of minor surgeries. But this is done, for now. And I'm relaxed, and happy.
Love to you all.
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