Recreating Normal

Let me just begin by saying I really hate the word normal. That being said, it does have it uses, and sometimes, when explaining what it's like to live with endometriosis, it is the only word that seems to work.

I mentioned in my last post that diagnosis was both satisfying and overwhelming. While I felt like it should have come with many answers and solutions, the past 3+ years have proven quite the opposite. I feel as though each time I visit my gynaecologist's office I enter with a slew of questions, leave with new prescriptions to try, and a new list of questions that I continue to add to for the next 8 weeks that it takes to get another appointment with her. I suppose I am happy that my questions at least have a direction, as does my own personal research and reading into the disease and its many possible suggested treatments. The problem with doing this reading and discovering so many people's stories or research about possible solutions and treatments means that I begin to get hopeful for a change, a change that has yet to come.

Now I realize this all sounds rather dire. Poor little privileged girl has a diagnosis of a non fatal but non curable chronic illness. I get it. And pitying myself or having pity from others doesn't solve anything either. But this is my new reality, and even though I've been living with it for over 3 years I don't seem to be getting any better at the functioning part of living with a chronic illness. Or maybe my recent weeks are clouding my ability to see just how functional I've been.

In the 3+ years since I was diagnosed, and the 4 years since I began feeling strong symptoms of endometriosis I have graduated from nursing school, started my first incredible job, increased my volunteer work locally, nationally and internationally, done some personal travel, learned to surf, taken up and given up long (ish) distance running, and had periods of time where I was working 2-3 different part time jobs ( sometimes even while going to school). Of course there are more things that could be on this list, but those are some of the most notable. Sounds pretty normal, right?

What's missing from the above list of accomplishments and milestones are the days of intense struggle. The days that I came so close to quitting so many of the little things that make me happy. The weeks or months that I scraped by to pay rent and other bills because, despite having at least one and often 2-3 jobs, my illness made it impossible for me to work.  And of course the days that I was in so much pain, both physical and emotional, that I could barely manage to get out of bed and away from my heating pad to eat, get more water, or even make the short walk to the bathroom to take more painkillers.

Living with a chronic illness means that there is no normal. well, maybe no normal except for the constant pain and discomfort I feel. I'm still optimistic that with enough medication trials and changes that some pain may be relieved in my day to day life. I strive to find a normal. a life in which it isn't a matter of if I can get out of bed and go to work, or meet friends, go for a walk, make a meal, but when all of these things can happen.

striving for normal is the hope that I hold onto on a daily basis. A cure would be great. Answers and stability in medication would be great. absence of illness would be fantastic. but for now, I strive for normal.